How to Feel Safe in Relationships When Vulnerability Feels Unsafe
Have you ever found yourself craving deep connection, only to pull away the moment things start to feel close? Or maybe you feel overwhelmed at the idea of opening up, even though part of you longs to be seen and understood. If that resonates, know you’re not alone.
For many people, vulnerability doesn’t just feel uncomfortable—it feels dangerous. And that’s because, at some point, it may have been.
Your Nervous System and the Need for Safety
Our nervous system is wired to protect us. If past experiences have taught you that being vulnerable leads to rejection, hurt, or emotional overwhelm, your body may adapt by entering a protective mode. This might look like:
Avoiding emotional closeness or deep conversations
Over-explaining or people-pleasing to avoid conflict
Feeling numb or shutting down when emotions arise
Experiencing anxiety or hypervigilance in relationships
These patterns are your system's attempt to keep you safe. But over time, they can prevent you from forming the secure, nourishing relationships you deserve.
How to Begin Feeling Safe in Relationships
Healing doesn’t happen by forcing yourself to be vulnerable. Instead, it’s about gently showing your nervous system that connection can be safe. Here are three ways to begin that process:
1. Start Small
You don’t have to share your deepest truth right away. Vulnerability can begin with small acts—expressing a need, naming an emotion, or allowing someone to support you.
2. Regulate Before You Connect
If vulnerability feels overwhelming, try grounding first. Deep breathing, orienting to your environment, or gentle movement can help signal to your body that it’s safe to soften.
3. Notice Moments of Safety
The nervous system learns through experience. Pay attention to the times someone responds to you with care, understanding, or acceptance. Let your body register that moment—even if it feels unfamiliar.
Rewiring for Connection
If being close to others has felt unsafe for a long time, that doesn’t mean it will always feel that way. Your nervous system can learn a new story—one where connection doesn’t equal harm.
Feeling safe in relationships takes time, curiosity, and patience. You don’t have to navigate it alone. With the right support, you can gently build trust with yourself and others, and step into relationships with more presence and ease.
About the Author
Shai Maxine is a trained somatic practitioner specializing in helping people navigate stress, chronic pain, and emotional overwhelm. With years of experience guiding clients toward greater ease and connection, Shai offers practical tools rooted in somatic awareness and mindfulness. When not working, Shai enjoys hiking, cooking, creating art, and petting as many dogs as she can. Follow along on instagram @shai.maxine
